How to Write a Really Lousy Marketing Message in 10 Easy Steps

Based on a lot of marketing out there, it’s easy to see there’s fierce competition for the  World’s Lamest Marketing Message Award.  If you’re in the running for it, these ten tips will help you create such pathetically useless marketing messages that people will be ignoring you in droves.

1.  Make it all about “I”, “me”, and “my.  You know how completely cool you and your company are—so why should you be shy about tooting your own horn?  There’s really no need to bother with those measly concerns your clients may have.  You can tell you’re doing a good job following this guideline if your use of “I”, “me” and “my” overwhelms your use of “you” and “your” in your marketing messages.

2. Focus on what you like to do instead of providing what your prospects want.  You got into business to do what you like on your own terms. Why should you let clients dictate what you offer and how you offer it? If they don’t like it, there’s the door. (Just make sure they leave their money behind before they leave….)

3. Talk talk talk talk talk.  Is there anything more fun than being in the spotlight and expounding at length? Who wants to turn over the reins by asking questions and—Gasp!—listening to the answers?  Listening is for wimps.

4. Make assumptions whenever possible.  You’ve been in this field long enough to know a thing or two, so naturally you know what’s important to your prospects. Why waste time asking what’s on their minds and what they’d like you to do for them?

5. Go into minute detail about what your offerings look like.  You’ve spent a lot of time developing your services, products, and processes, and you by  damn deserve to describe them in loving detail. If a prospect can’t figure out how those products and services benefit him, it’s his tough luck.  What a loser.

6. Don’t worry about having a goal for your marketing.  Let’s get real. Do you honestly think it’s important to know what you want your marketing to accomplish for you? All marketing is good marketing, right?  Don’t get hung up on what results you get from it; it’s the thought that counts.

7. Use as many acronyms and industry buzz words as possible.  If a prospect is so clueless as to not know what your favorite buzz words mean, do you really want to work with them?  One of the joys of owning your own business is exercising your ego in public, and you can’t do that if you avoid jargon and speak to the lowest common denominator.

8. Make sure your prospects have to crawl through virtual glass to connect with you.  All you hear about these days is search engine optimization, making it easy for your ideal clients to find you online, being careful to follow up promptly, answering the telephone, for Pete’s sake…It’s enough to make you gag.  Just print up a few business cards at home and slap a static website up there; that’s good enough for anyone.

9. Have lots of core messages to broaden your appeal.  It’s so wonderful to have people love you, isn’t it?  So why would you pigeonhole yourself by focusing on a “core competency”?  Don’t let yourself be pushed into some clearly defined niche!  It’s important that your marketing conveys your desire to be all things to all people.

10. Just give them the cold, hard facts.  You know that business is all about  the bottom line, the numbers, the nuts and bolts, right?  Be very careful not to fall prey to those bleeding-heart marketing consultants who claim you have to address your prospects’ emotions. They’ll try to tell you that people decide emotionally, then justify those decisions rationally; they’ll argue that your marketing communications need to speak to both head and heart. But what do they know?

Follow these guidelines closely, and I guarantee that you’ll be wildly successful at  camouflaging your expensive hobby so it looks just like a real business.  The disguise will be so effective, you’ll probably even fool yourself.

All kidding aside, remember that your true goal is to focus your marketing communications on how your problem-solving skills are the answer to your prospects’ prayers.

By the way, thanks to Longs and Shorts for publishing their trophy image in the Creative Commons section of Flickr.

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